Wednesday, January 26, 2005
hope for the flowers -- by trina paulus.
chapter 1
once upon a time
a tiny striped caterpillar
burst from the egg
which had been home for so long.
'hello world,' he said.
'it sure is bright out here in the sun.'
'im hungry,' he thought
n straightaway began to eat
the leaf he was born on.
n he ate another leaf ... and another... and another.
and got bigger... and bigger... and bigger......
until one day he stopped
eating n thought,
'there must b more to life
than just eating n getting bigger.
'its getting dull.'
so stripe crawled down
from the friendly tree
which had shaded n fed him.
he was seeking more.
there were all sorts of new things
to find. grass n dirt n holes n tiny bugs -- each fascinated him.
but nothing satisfied him.
when he came across some other
crawlers like himself he was especially excited.
but they were too busy eating
they had no time to talk ---
just as stripe had been.
'they dont know any more
about life than i do,' he sighed.
then one day
stripe saw some
crawlers really
crawling.
he looked around for
their goal n saw
a great column rising
high into the air.
when he joined them he discovered...
... the column was a pile of squirming,
pushing,
caterpillars --
a caterpillar pillar.
it appeared that the
caterpillars were trying
to reach the top -
but the top was so lost in the clouds
that stripe had no
idea what was there.
he felt new excitement--
like sap rising in the
spring.
'maybe ill find wat im looking for.'
full of agitation stripe asked
a fellow crawler:
'do u know wats happening?'
'i just arrived myself,' said
the other. 'nobody has time
to explain, they're so busy trying
to get wherever they're going-
up there.'
'but wats at the top?'
continued stripe.
'no one knows that either but it must
b awfully gd bcoz everybody's
rushing there. goodbye; ive no
more time!'
he plunged into the pile.
stripe's head was bursting with the
new drive. he couldnt get his
thoughts together. every second
another crawler passed him n
disappeared into the pillar.
'there's only 1 thing to do.'
he pushed himself in.
chapter 2
the first moments
on the pile
were a shock.
stripe was pushed
and kicked
n stepped on
from every direction.
it was climb or b climbed...
... stripe climbed.
no more fellow caterpillars
on stripes pile--
they became only threats
n obstacles which he
turned into steps n opportunities.
this single-minded approach
really helped n stripe
felt he was getting much higher.
but some days it seemed
he cld only manage to
keep his place. it was
esp then that an
anxious shadow nagged
inside. 'whats at the
top?' it whispered.
'where r we going?'
on one exasperated day stripe
couldnt stand it any longer
n actually yelled back:
'i dont know, but theres
no time to think abt it!'
a little yellow caterpillar he was
crawling over gasped:
'wat did u say?'
'i was just talking to
myself,' stripe mumbled.
'it really isnt important-
i was just wondering
where we're going?'
'u know,' yellow said,
'i was wondering that myself
but since theres no way to
find out i decided it wasnt
important.' she blushed at
how silly this sounded - quickly
adding, 'no one seems to
worry abt where we're going
so it must b gd,' but she
blushed again. 'how far r we
from the top?'
stripe answered gravely,
'since we're not at the
bottom n not at the top
we must b in the middle.'
'oh,' said yellow, n
they both began climbing again.
but now
stripe had
a new feeling.
he felt bad.
he had lost
his
singlemindedness.
'how can
i step on
someone
ive just
talked to?'
stripe avoided yellow as much
as possible, but one day there
she was, blocking the only way up.
'well, i guess its u or me,'
he said, n stepped squarely
on her head.
something in the way
yellow looked at him
made him feel just
awful abt himself.
like: no matter wat
is up there -- it just
isnt worth it.
stripe
crawled off
yellow n
whispered,
'im sorry.'
and yellow began to cry:
'i cld stand this life hoping in wat was
ahead until i met u talking to urself
that day. since then my heard just hasnt
been in it -- but i dont know wat to do.
'i didnt know how badly i felt abt this
life until then. now when u look at me
so kindly, i know for sure i dont like this
life. i just want to do something like
crawl with u n nibble grass.'
stripe's heart leapt inside.
everything looked different.
the pillar made no sense at all.
'i wld like that too,' he whispered.
but this meant giving up ths climb --
a hard decision.
'yellow dear, maybe we're close to the top.
maybe if we help each other we can get
there quickly.'
'maybe,' she said.
but they both knew this wasnt
wat they wanted most.
'let's go down,' yellow said.
'okay.' n they stopped climbing.
they clung to each other as masses
of caterpillar crawled over them.
the air was terrible but they were
happy with each other n made a
big ball so nobody cld step in their
eyes n stomachs.
they did nothing
at all for wat
seemed a long time.
suddenly they didnt
feel anything crawling
over them.
they unrolled and
opened their eyes.
they were at the
side of the caterpillar pillar.
'hi stripe,' said yellow.
'hi yellow,' said stripe.
and they crawled off into
some fresh, green grass
to eat n take a nap.
just b4 they fell asleep
stripe hugged yellow
'being together like this is
sure different from being
crushed in that crowd!'
'it sure is!'
she smiled n closed her eyes.
chapter 3
so yellow n stripe
romped in the gass
and ate
and grew fat
and loved each other.
they were so glad
not to b fighting
everybody
every moment.
it seemed like heaven for a while
but as time passed
even hugging each other
seemed a little boring.
each knew every hair of the other.
stripe couldnt help wondering,
'there must b still more to life.'
yellow saw how restless he was n
tried to make him extra happy
n comfortable. 'just think how
much better this is than that awful
mess we left,' she said.
'but we dont know wats at
the top,' he answered.
'maybe we were wrong to come
down. maybe now that we've
rested the two of us cld make
it to the top.'
'dear stripe, pls,' she begged.
we have a nice home n we
love each other n thats enough.
its so much more than all those
lonely climbers have.'
she was so sure, stripe
let her convince him.
but only for
awhile ---
stripe's hankering for the climbing
life worsened. the pillar haunted
him. he crawled there regularly,
looking up n wondering.
but the top remained
clouded.
one day a the pillar, three thuds startled
stripe. 3 big caterpillars had
fallen from someplace n smashed.
2 seemed dead but one still wriggled.
stripe whispered, 'wat happened?
can i help?'
he made out just a few words.
'the top .. they'll c...
butterflies alone...'
the caterpillar died.
stripe crawled home n
told yellow.
they were both v sober
n quiet. wat did the
mysterious message mean?
had the caterpillars fallen
from the very top?
finally stripe announced:
'ive got to know. i must go n
find out the secret of the top.'
n more gently,
'will u come n help me?'
yellow struggled inside.
she loved stripe n wanted to b w him.
she wanted to help him succeed.
but -- she just couldnt believe that
the top as worth all it asks to get there.
she wanted to get 'up' too; the crawling
life wasnt enough for her either.
she also had to admit that it looked like
the pile was the only way to do it.
stripe seemed so sure that yellow felt
ashamed not to agree. she also felt stupid
n embarrassed since she cld never put
her reasons into words that his kind of logic
wld accept.
yet somehow, waiting n not being sure
was better than action she cldnt
believe in.
she cldnt explain, she cldnt
prove anything -- but for all her
love she cldnt go with stripe.
she just knew climbing was a wrong
way to get high.
'no,' she said, heartsick.
n stripe left her
for his climb.
chapter 4.
yellow was desolate w/o stripe.
she crawled daily to the pile looking
for him n returned home at night sad,
but half relieved that she never saw
him. if she had, she feared she might
plunge after him knowing that she
shouldnt.
she felt like doing something, anything
rather than this uncertain waiting.
'wat in the world do i
really want?' she sighed.
'it seems different
every few minutes.
'but i know there must b more.'
finally, she became numb n wandered away from everything familiar.
one day a grey-haired
caterpillar hanging
upside down on a branch
surprised her.
he seemed caught in
some hairy stuff.
'u seem in trouble,'
she said. 'can i help?'
'no, my dead, i have to do this
to become a butterfly.'
her whole insides leapt.
'butterfly -- that word,' she thought.
'tell me, sir, wat is a butterfly?'
'it's wat u r meant to
become. it flies with beautiful
wings n joins the earth to
heaven. it drinks only nectar
from the flowers n carries
the seeds of love from one
flower to another.'
'w/o butterflies
the world wld soon have few flowers.'
'it cant b true!' gasped yellow
'how can i believe theres a
butterfly inside u or me when
all i c is a fuzzy worm?'
'how does one become a butterfly?'
she asked pensively.
'u must want to fly so much
that u r willing to give
up being a caterpillar.'
'u mean to die?' asked yellow, remembering
the 3 who fell out o the sky.
'yes n no,' he answered.
'wat looks like u will die
but wat's really u will still
live. life is changed, not
taken away. isnt that
differnt from those who
die w/o ever becoming
butterflies?
'n if i decide to become a butterfly'
said yellow hesitantly, 'wat do i do?'
'watch me. im making a cocoon.
'it looks like im hiding, i know,
but a cocoon is no escape.
'its an in-between house where
the change takes place.
'its a big step since u can
never return to caterpillar life.
'during the fchange, it will seem
to u or to anyone who might
peek that nothing is happening --
but the butterfly is already
becoming.
'it just takes time!'
'n there's something else!'
'once u r a butterfly, u
can really love -- the kind of
love that makes new life.
it's better than all the hugging
caterpillars can do.'
'oh, let me go n get stripe,' yellow said.
but she sadly knew he was too far into the pile to possibly reach.
'dont b sad,' said her new
friend. 'if u change, u
can fly n show him how
beautiful butterlfies r. maybe
he will want to become one too!'
yellow was torn in anguish:
'wat if stripe comes back n im not
there? wat if he doesnt recongnise my
new self? suppose he decides to stay
a caterpillar?
'at least we can do something as caterpillars --
we can crawl n eat. we can love in some
way. how can 2 cocoons get together at all?
how awful to get stuck in a cocoon!'
how cld she risk the only life
she knew when it seemed so unlikely
she cld ever b a glorious
winged creature?
wat did she have to go on?
- seeing another caterpillar who believed
enough to make his own cocoon.
-n that peculiar hope which had kept
her off the pillar n leapt within her
when she heard abt the butterflies.
the grey-haired caterpillar
continued to cover himself
with silky threads. as he
wove the last bit around
his head he called
'ull be a beautiful butterfly --
we're all waiting for u!'
n yellow decided to risk for a butterfly.
for courage she hung right beside
the other cocoon n began to spin
her own.
'imagine, i didnt eve know i cld
do this. that's some encouragement
that im on the right track. if i have
inside me the stuff to make cocoons --
maybe the stuff of butterflies is
there too.'
chapter 5
stripe made much faster progress
this time. he was bigger and
stronger since he had taken time
out. from the beginning he
determinded to get to the top.
he especially avoided meeting the
eyes of other crawlers. he knew
how fatal such contact cld b.
he tried not to think of yellow.
he disciplined himself neither to
feel nor to b distracted.
stripe didnt seem just 'disciplined'
to others - he seemed ruthless. even
among climbers he was special.
he didnt think he was against
anybody. he was just doing wat
he had to if he was to get to the top.
'dont blame me if u
dont succeed! its a
tough life. just make
up ur mind,' he wld
have said had any
caterpillar complained.
then one day
he was near
his goal.
stripe had done well
but when light finally filtered
down from the top, he was
close to exhaustion.
at this ht, there was
almost no movement.
all held their positions with
every skill a lifetime of
climbing had taught them.
every small move counted
terribly.
there was no communication.
only the outsides
touched. they were like
cocoons to one another.
then one day stripe
heard a crawler above
him saying,
'none of us can get
any higher w/o
getting rid of them.'
soon after, he felt
tremendous pressure and
shaking. then came screams
n falling bodies. then
silence; lots more light n
less weight from above.
stripe felt awful with this new
knowledge. the mystery of the
pillar was clearing.
he now knew wat had happened
to the 3 caterpillars.
he now knew wat must always happen on the pillar.
frustration surged thru stripe. but as he
was agreeing this was the only way 'up' he
heard a tiny whisper from the top
'theres nothing here at all!'
it was answered by another:
'quiet fool! they'll heard u down
the pillar. we're where they want
to get. n that's wat's here!'
stripe felt frozen. to b so high n not
high at all! it only looked gd from the
bottom.
the whisper came again,
'look over there -- another pillar ---
and there too -- everywhere!'
stripe became angry as well as frustrated.
'my pillar,' he moaned, 'only one of thousands.
'millions of caterpillars climbing nowhere!
'something is really wrong but ...
what else is there?'
his life with yellow seemed so far away.
that wasnt it either - not quite.
'yellow!' he let her image fill his being.
'u knew something, didnt u? was it
courage to wait?'
'maybe she was right. i wish i were with her.'
'i cld go down,' he thought. 'i'd look ridiculous
but maybe it's better than wat's happening here.'
but stripe's though was interrupted by bursts of movement all over his level. each seemed to b making a last effort to find some entry to the top. but with every push the top layer tightened.
finally one caterpillar gasped, 'unless
we try together nobody will reach the
top. maybe if we give one big push!
they cant hold us down forever!'
but b4 they cld act
there were cries n
commotion of another kind.
stripe struggled to the
edge to c the cause.
a brillant yellow winged
creature was circling the
pillar, moving freely --
a wonderful sight! how
did i get so high wo climbing?
when stripe poked out his head
the creature seemed to recongise
him. it extended its legs n
tried to grab him.
stripe caught himself just
b4 being pulled out of the
pile. the brillant creature
let go n looked sadly into
his eyes.
that look activated excitement
stripe hadnt felt since he
first saw the pillar. words
from the past returned,
'... butterflies alone.'
'is this a butterfly?'
n wat did it mean --
'the top ... they'll see ...'?
it was all so strange and yet
like it was supposed to b.
n those eyes with the
look of yellow.
cld it b ... ?
such impossible thoughts!
yet the excitement inside
wldnt stop.
he grew happy.
somehow he cld escape,
he cld b carried away.
but as this possibility became
real, something else great
inside. he felt he shldnt
escape like this.
looking into the creature's eyes
he cld hardly bear the love he
saw there. he felt unworthy.
he wanted to change, to make
up for all the times he had
refused to look at the other.
he tried to tell her wat
he felt.
he stopped struggling.
the others stared at him
as though he were mad.
chapter 6.
he turned ard n began
down the pillar. this time he
didnt curl up. he stretched out
full length n looked str8
into the eyes of each caterpillar.
he marvelled at the variety n
beauty, amazed that he had never noticed it b4.
he whispered to each, 've been
up; there's nothing there.'
most paid no attention; they
were too intent on climbing.
one said. 'its sour grapes. he's bitter.
i bet he never made it to the top.'
but some were
shocked n even
stopped climbing
to hear him better.
one of these
whispered in anguish,
'dont say it even
if its true.
wat else can we do?'
stripe's ans shocked
them all -- including himself.
'we can fly!'
'we can become butterflies!
'there's nothing at the top
n it doesn't matter!'
as he heard his own
message he realised how
he had misread the
instinct to get high.
to get to the top he
must fly, not climb.
stripe looked at each
caterpillar inebriated
with joy that there cld
b a butterfly inside
but the reaction was worse
than b4. he saw fear in
eyes. they didnt stop to
listen or speak.
this happy, glorious news was
too much to take -- too gd to b true.
n if it wasnt true?
the hope that lit up
the pillar dimmed. all
seemed confused n
unreal.
the way down was so
immensely long.
the vision of the
butterfly faded.
doubt flooded stripe.
the pile took on horrible dimensions.
he struggled on -- barely -- blindly.
it seemed wrong to give up
believing -- yet believing seemed
impossible.
a crawler sneered, 'how cld
u swallow such a story? our
life is earth n climbing. look
at us worms! we couldn't b
butterflies inside. make the best of
it n enjoy caterpillar living!'
'perhaps he's right,' sighed stripe.
'i havent any proof. did i only
make it up bcoz i needed
it so much?'
n in pain he continued
down searching for those
eyes which wld let him whisper,
'i saw a butterfly -
there can b more
to life.'
one day --
finally --
he was down.
chapter 7.
tired n sad, stripe
crawled off to the old place
where yellow n he
had romped.
she was not there, n he
was too exhausted to go
further.
he curled up n fell asleep.
when he finally awoke he
found the yellow creature
fanning him with wings
of light.
'is this a dream?'
he wondered.
but the dream creature acted
awfully real. she stroked him
with her feelers n most of all
looked at him so lovingly that
he began to trust that wat
he had said abt becoming a
butterfly might b true.
she walked a little distance
away, n then flew back. she
repeated it as if he shld follow.
so he did.
they came to a
branch from which
hung 2 torn sacks.
the creature kept on
inserting her head,
then her tail,
into 1 of them.
then she wld fly to him
n touch him.
her feelers quivered
n stripe knew
she was speaking.
he cldnt make out the words.
then slowly he seemed
to understand ...
... somehow he knew wat to do.
stripe climbed -- again.
it got darker n darker
n he was afraid.
he felt he had
to let go of
everything....
and yellow waited.
.......until one day...
the end.......
......or the beginning
Monday, January 24, 2005
twins?
Sunday, January 23, 2005
if im having a cold but running a temperature,
does that mean that im exothermic?
--
i dont know which is worse,
the flowing of the water-like mucus
or the dry itchy coughing.
well, both had been doing their darnest to keep me up thruout the night.
----joraffe----
